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Newark, Can You Wait?


In a shocking report from the British press, Martin Rossiter, the laddish, and quintessentially British singer of Britpopper band Gene, was revealed yesterday to actually be Artie Lempschnagel, son of Newark, New Jersey mechanic Louis Lempschnagel.

Rossister found his identity revealed to his adoring fans after two stranded motorists unknowingly knocked on his door in Watford, England, to ask to use the phone to call the auto club.

Says James, 21, “We went up to the first house we saw with a light on and a gentleman who I noticed bore an odd resemblance to Rozzer answered the door, bare-chested, in a pair of Levis, holding a Bud Light, with a pack of Marlboros sticking out of his back pocket. He invited us in and we noticed first the empty cans of Budweiser on the table, then the John Wayne posters on the wall, and finally the Gene tour schedule lying on the coffee table. My girlfriend fainted outright from shock.”

Donna, 20, hit her head and had to be rushed to a local hospital. When asked if the revelations about his hero had left him disillusioned, James exclaimed, “No way! Martin Rossiter fixed my car! With just a wrench, his bare hands, and, of course, his butt-crack showing!”


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